This post is gonna be a long one… get comfy. I will start with Friday, and move forward from there. Le Sigh.
Friday afternoon I had about hit my limit. Between exhaustion, the weight of non-doggy-related BS my husband and I are currently dealing with, and having to stay strong or whatever to be a good leader for my pups, I was pretty much on the verge of just packing a bag and running away. I considered leaving a note, and then I thought “Why spend the time?” I didn’t have the energy to write I note. I just wanted to be… somewhere. Anywhere besides here, dealing with all of this.
Of course, I didn’t do that. But I did seriously consider that it might be time to find a new home for one of the dogs. I mean, could I really keep going on like this? Totally exhausted, cranky a lot of the time, getting frustrated on a very regular basis, and still trying to deal with my life outside of the dogs… And, was this healthy for the dogs? I mean, aside from the fact that it would be undeniably easier to deal with just one dog, would it be better for the dogs to be getting more individual attention?
While I hate to admit it, I already knew which dog it would be, too. Lucy. Face it, it is much easier to find a home for a dog who hasn’t bitten anyone. Plus, Lucy is the more distant of the two, so maybe she just needs a different set of owners… and a home without her sister.
And I thought of all the things I would say to whomever would be the lucky family to take her in. She loves rawhides – she’ll eat the entire thing if you let her. Don’t feed her peanut butter – it makes her throw up. She likes tummy rubs. The easiest way to clean her feet is to get her to lay down and be calm, then don’t make any fuss and just do it. She loves cheese, but she can’t have any right now – gotta wait until her skin infection clears up and her meds are over so we can make sure she doesn’t have a food allergy. Speaking of which, she can only have chicken-based protein (chicken-based kibble and treats, chicken, eggs), which is why cheese is a no-no right now. And don’t go overboard on the treats – gives her the runs. She is very smart, but quite stubborn. She will act like she doesn’t know what you’re asking her to do… but she’s just trying to get one over on you. She likes a nice comfy place to sleep, and she LOVES to cuddle you.
And I cried.
When Tom came home, I was pretty distant and cranky. I didn’t want to tell him what was on my mind because I was almost positive I didn’t mean it. But maybe I did. I didn’t know. All I wanted to do was go to bed, and not have to worry about getting up.
But, of course, Saturday morning came. I went to Charlottesville to go running with my friend, another dog owner. I didn’t tell her what was on my mind, either. I just didn’t have the energy to get into it. (Of course, she is one of my three faithful readers, so she will have the whole story now
) I went on my run, talked about other things, and tried to just… not think about it.
Then I came home. Tom had to work Saturday, so I knew I was going to have to come home after my run and take both the dogs for a walk. And I walked in the door, and I looked at Lucy in her crate… and my heart just did a 180. I just thought “Of COURSE she’s staying here. Duh.” I took her out for her walk, and it was glorious. She did really well, and I just felt really good. Same thing when I took Sally out. And they, of course, were totally pooped after that and were pretty good the rest of the day. It was wonderful.
I told Tom what I had been thinking the day before, and about how totally different I felt at that point. I am so in love with these dogs – I ultimately want the best for them, and I think they can get that here. I was so thrilled with them.
Plus, zero potty accidents. Go doggies!
Then came yesterday. Tom and I decided to walk all four together, as a family. Oh, my goodness. It went alright, until the first distraction – our neighbor’s dog. We got through that, and then a couple of cats ran across the road. We almost got through that, and my father-in-law drove by, stopped to talk to my husband, and then honked when he got out on the main road. Oh my GOODNESS. It was VERY hard not to get incredibly frustrated.
But, we survived the walk and made it back home. The puppies slept all afternoon while Tom went to work for a bit, and I did some errands.
When dinner time came for the pups last night, we hit another road block. Sally growled at me when I approached her bowl as she was almost done eating. I gave her a nice, sharp, corrective “Hey!”, and she just growled again. I corrected her again, and she seemed to settle down. So, I squatted down in front of her and put some extra food in her bowl with my hand. She accepted that. Then I just put my empty hands in front of me, a little bit hear her bowl, and she went OFF. Growling and getting tense. So, I stood straight up, leaning over a little bit (I didn’t want to get bitten in the face, but I also didn’t want to back down from her… so I held my space, but I just stood up to do it), and she seemed to back down.
This morning, however, was a little bit of a different story. I went to approach her when she was ending her breakfast, and she started getting tense and growling, and I corrected her with a “Hey!” and she didn’t even pretend to relax. Then she started trying to nip at my legs. Tom came over and stomped his foot and I tried to get her to back down, but she was so worked up. And, I have to be honest – I got pretty emotional and a little freaked out by it. She eventually did back down and submit (to Tom). I was so upset, it was all I could do not to lose it in front of her. I went inside and took a deep breath and let myself cry a little bit. I just couldn’t believe it. We had made sooooooo much progress. So much progress. And then it all seemed to just go out the window.
I know that with any process, you can expect occasional regression, and I know that it is totally up to me because my behavior is what creates her behavior – if I act calmly and let her know what I want, she will respond appropriately. It’s just so hard sometimes to not give up. It’s so hard to not just quit.
Meanwhile, while Tom and I were trying to get Sally under control and creating all kinds of chaos and noise (which, looking back, was obviously not an ideal way to deal with the situation… like I’ve said before, Tom and I are learning in this process as much as the dogs are), Lucy got this look like “Oh crap. What’s going on? What’s going on?” and she went to hide behind the barbeque grill, her favorite place to hang out. I feel bad for her… she’s rarely the one who’s causing the trouble, but she gets just as startled by the noise that’s created when Sally is testing the limits.
I don’t know. I do love these dogs – each for very different and wonderful reasons. I think they each have the potential to be awesome dogs and incredible companions. I just wonder… a lot… if I have it in me to get them there.
I will leave it on a good note – I took them each for their walk today, and they each did wonderfully. Sally did so good on her walk, in fact, that I got so lost in thought that I almost forgot to give her a sniffy break. It’s just another proof of how dogs live in the moment – one minute, she’s ready to bite my shins to get me away from her food, the next minute she is content to walk by my side, completely relaxed.